This post may be a little different than most.
No recipe in this one.
Just me, Sarah Grace, being vulnerable in her own journey.
I know the main reason you follow this blog is for delicious food and fitness tips, so I apologize in advance for a post you may not have been exactly looking forward to.
But the reason I began Fresh Fit N Healthy was to help others. And I believe the greatest way I can do that is to share my personal journey. Yes, even things like this that I rather not.
Where do I even start?
I guess I could rewind about almost 1 year ago. My passion, my faith, my love for Christ..it all starting seeming ..dull. I didn’t have a drive for being the best I could be in any area, and it showed. My blog wasn’t growing. My grades were just “so so” (which is not normal of me). My quiet times in the morning as I opened my Bible began becoming just a motion, something I knew I was “suppose to do”. I felt like I was at a standstill. And I realized it came down to being in a standstill in my walk with Christ. Ever been there?
Unfortunately, instead of being honest then and there, I tried to hide it. I covered it up by pretending like I was still walking strong in Christ. Like everything was great. But that only led to a slow drift away. Farther from where I wanted to be.
I love the analogy of being in the water on the beach. Playing in the water, looking for shells, throwing the frisbee with a friend. You don’t even realize it. Until all of a sudden you look at the shore to realize you’ve drifted. You’ve been carried by the tide way down the shoreline.
That’s how I felt. My boyfriend of three and a half years and I broke up. And I went from one extreme to the other. From never going out, never drinking, never “hooking up” with guys, never finding satisfaction in typical “college things”…to finding fun in all of the above, and allowing it to become a greater part of my life as the weeks and months went by.
All of a sudden, my life was like the ocean example. I looked up and thought to myself..how did I get here? How did I ever let myself drift so far.
The distance I felt from God was like nothing I had experienced before. Well, actually, almost this exact thing happened to me in high school too, before coming back to the Lord my senior year. You think I would have learned. You think I would have known the truth in the fact that nothing of this world satisfies.
Not only was my spiritual life suffering, but everything else as well. I wasn’t being the best student I could be. I wasn’t being the best mentor I could be to younger girls. I wasn’t feeling driven to put the time and work into Fresh Fit N Healthy or make new recipes. Everything was just..blah.
Thankfully, God never gives up on me no matter how far I run. His Love never fails.
Weeks, even months, went by of me not even wanting to pray or read my Bible. Two things I would have never thought of going a day without before. I remember feeling so hopeless of ever getting back to where I use to be, that I just stopped trying.
Except one prayer. I continuously would say the little prayer throughout my weeks of, “God, help me. I don’t even know what to pray for. But I need help. I need you.”
This prayer began in summer, it is now February 15th as I write this post. Prayers don’t always get answered right away.
It was nothing I did. Nothing I changed.
But about a month ago, I began to slowly feel a lack of interest for the things I had been finding so fun. Guys had let me down one too many times, so I was done playing that game. And I can’t explain the going out or drinking one, but I just would look around me while being out, and think to myself, who are these people I’m surrounded by? Not people I want to associate with or be associated with.
My heart was beginning to feel again. The numbness was wearing off. I could feel Jesus again.
So where am I now? I’m in a season of change. In my last few months here in college, you would think I would just be trying to “live it up” and have everything figured out for my future.
Wrong. I have nothing figured out. I don’t know where I’ll be next year, let alone in 6 months.
But one thing I do know. As the winter fades and the season changes, so am I. My heart is becoming alive once again. That doesn’t mean I am perfect. That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to mess up daily. We’re human, that is what we do. But that doesn’t mean we call it quits.
A great quote from my pastor: “Godliness is not about suppressing the wrong desires, it is about awakening the right ones”.
I’m on the path of awakening those right desires. We all have our weaknesses. We all have desires for things that are not good for us. That is OKAY. But the difference is when we are walking with Christ, we must be continually awakening the RIGHT desires too, in order to help us fight the temptations we are constantly faced with..so that we have the strength to say NO to the wrong desires.
Just like God is always fighting for us, we must be fighting too.
Have the hope that I am finding hope myself in tonight:
His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
No matter how far we try to run, He never stops pursuing.
I don’t know what my future looks like, but I could not be more excited for what God has in store, or more thankful for His grace.
I am in a season of growth now, and I always will be.
And I think that is exactly where Jesus wants me to be.
